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Sunday, July 22, 2012

The Other

As the days trickle by, distancing me in time from my darkest moments, the windows through which I view the collision of events around me change, their shape morphing and undulating, alternately obscuring and drawing into focus my reality. I have made many changes in my life since the awful day when my wife revealed she wanted a divorce. Mostly changes for the better, some movement toward light, away from the shadowed alleys and byways of the hunkered depression of just a few months ago.

But all is not always as it seems in the mind. Not every step is in the right direction, not every rock overturned reveals a treasure. Depression is a tenacious opponent. Its machinations are subtle, its goals oblique and often unfathomable. There are setbacks, traps and blind alleys, along the path away from this demon. The way is rocky and slick and dark; a seeker could easily lose his way.

I was so very proud of myself, so confident of my progress, that I all but abandoned this journal. Instead I tried to brush away the stabs of thought of my wife's indiscretions, of my failings as a husband, of the pain of my children. I knew the thoughts would eventually evaporate, sublimating and rerouting, leaving me with only the memory of the pain they inflict. And so, these thoughts decreased over time - but they never have vanished.

The truth is that I dealt with only one of the matters that my depression had fed upon, destroyed only one of the demons. Now, as I stare, panting, down at the corpse of this hideous beast, I sense a presence, hot and putrid breath on my neck, a barely audible scrape of a razor-claw. I turn and see this other, this new beast, just for a moment, a glimpse of his tattered clothes as he scurries into shadow.

BUT I HAD WON! I scream, the hoarse, animal sound echoing in my mind. I BEAT YOU. THIS IS NOT...FAIR. THIS IS...EVIL.

Why would a disease seek to destroy it's host? Why would my mind seek to defeat me? To destroy me? Why should this be?

But I have only a very brief time for these contemplations, I know. This other, he hunts, circling and measuring. I have to pick up this now somewhat dulled axe again and pursue this new demon, to crush him, end him, bring myself to an easy, restful state in my own mind.

This demon must die. This demon will die. Do you hear me, you Count of Corrosion, you Baron of Bellicosity? I WILL DESTROY YOU AS WELL. Your twin underestimated me, as you have, and paid the price. Never question my strength or my resolve.

NEVER!!!

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