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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

First Law of Thermodynamics

Back from my first therapy session. I don't know how I feel. I feel as though I am doing something, I suppose, but it just hit me after I left how fucking long I have been wasting away in that room, that self-pitying, comfortable room. It was kind of an overwhelming sensation, this acknowledgement that I just folded up and hid in there for at least four years, maybe more, and I am struggling with that knowledge. What the hell happened? How did it go on for that long?

If I think about that lost time, the silence, any more I will run right back into that filthy lair and die there. But I am thinking there might be something I am missing, something I am not really grasping about that time, now gone and never to be retrieved. There is something simple there, I know it, the kind of simple revelation you stumble into when you are learning something new, as when you encounter a puzzle box for the first time. Pull here, push this, pivot that, couldn't be easier once you know the trick, but utterly elusive until you do.

The lost years can't just be wasted. The only thing I can do, I can hope for, is that I get some meaning out of them, something that helps me be a better person, a wiser person. If I see them as just gone my mind will collapse, disintegrate, it's right there a few paces away, the abyss, nothingness. That just can't be. There is meaning, there has to be, it can't be just empty. Mind is like matter, it can be altered but never lessened, it all turns into something, becomes different matter, like when you burn carbon and it breaks into gasses. For every thing that is destroyed, something is created. Maybe it is this blog. Maybe it is the wave of creativity I have recently been experiencing. Whatever it is, there is something to be gained.

There just has to be.

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